My cat Luna loves to watch TV, and cartoons are her favorite. She probably likes all of the action in cartoons. One of her favorite songs in Encanto is “We Don’t Talk About Bruno.” I’ll admit I like it too. There’s never been a scapegoat song so well written and so beautifully executed.
In this catchy song, everyone in the family Madrigal has a similar complaint about a missing uncle—that he predicted bad things, and they all happened. People didn’t like to hear the truth, so they shunned Bruno and spoke about him as if these events were his fault.
Scapegoating has been called a group delusion because while the family blames all of their problems on one person—no matter how notorious a character, there’s no way one person can be responsible for all of the bad stuff.
In the story of Encanto, it turns out all of Bruno’s so-called prophecies were merely observations that any truthteller might recognize. Each of these things would’ve happened anyway—even if Bruno had remained silent, but since he spoke the truth that no one wanted to hear, he was blamed for it. This is scapegoating at its worst because the scapegoat did nothing to deserve it.
So what are the steps to scapegoating a person?
1. It often starts with an angry person who wants revenge
Scapegoating is a typical tactic of the narcissist, but it could also be anyone motivated by shame or fear who wants another person to remain silent.
By design, the narcissist either omits the scapegoat from family discussions or will only discuss the scapegoat’s negative traits. They say we don’t talk about this person, but they still talk about them behind closed doors with hushed gossipy tones. The scapegoated person is then turned into an imaginary monster.
2. Any negative traits of the scapegoated person are blown up
Gossip keeps growing as it’s retold. Once the legend starts to build, the scapegoat will be shunned, and people will start avoiding them. The result is they talk about the scapegoat, but not to them. This is one of the cruelest traditions of a dysfunctional family.
3. In time, the scapegoat is no longer around to defend themself
Even those who feel excluding people is wrong, often remain silent because they’re afraid of being scapegoated themselves if they were to speak up. Other times, the entire family takes sides, creating divisions. The problem is not the scapegoated person, but the lack of honesty and integrity within the family.
Just to be clear, it’s important to avoid someone who is abusive and lying about you, but the difference between no contact and narcissistic shunning is the motivation of the person doing it. No contact is for self-protection, while narc-shunning comes from a desire to punish the scapegoat. If others are scapegoating someone, the main reaction is to run and avoid them, but this only adds to the secrets—how many families could be healed if someone just stood up and insisted on speaking about a person only when they are present.
Scapegoating always hurts more than the person shunned—it hurts the entire family as it loses its cohesion, integrity, and unconditional love. If one person can be scapegoated, chances are it can happen to others. This is portrayed in the song as one sister says to another, “Hey Sis, I want not a sound out of you!”
4. The end result is a family divided
Scapegoating allows different sectors of the group to split off from each other. Children get alienated from one parent in a divorce. Cousins grow up not knowing each other. Traditions, communications, and worst of all, love is lost.
We can change this, but it takes courage—courage by refusing to take sides. Courage by choosing NOT to talk about people behind their backs even when others do. Honest relationships require courage.
The paradox of having a courageous heart is that it requires you to name things that are not kind, not loving and not restored. We need honesty. -Dan Allender
Little Red Survivor Tips is always free. It’s just my thoughts about surviving at the intersection of family, narcissistic and religious abuse, and current events.
I also wrote a book Chasing Eden, about my strange childhood.
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Thanks for this clear picture of what scapegoating is. I’m still learning about relationships and how people manipulate them. I’ll be so glad when Jesus comes & we don’t have to be wary of others. 🙏🌈🌺
One thing I think about scapegoating as something to consider- that it is the practice of
choosing a neutral characteristic and making it bad - that can be pointed to continually- and not talking about the actual thing the ring-leader really wants to say about the one that’s picked on. Maybe the entire family calls one child clumsy when what the perpetrator of this bullying might instead truthfully say is ‘I feel stupid around you because I often don’t understand the big words you use’ or everyone is taught to call one person irresponsible, looking for all the ways that person looks irresponsible when really what the alpha bully wants to say is ‘it’s not fair that you are so good in sports - I feel jealous’ and so on. I love this article. The thing that struck me the most was the challenge to with courage refuse to participate in behind the back talk. Here’s to saying what we mean and meaning what we say!!