Was King Charles an Unsafe Parent?
According to Prince Harry's memoir he was
Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash
As a teenager, when Prince Charles and Diana married, I thought Diana was the luckiest woman in the world. The perks of marrying a prince meant she could dress in beautiful clothes, take romantic trips, and live in a palace. But Diana was not marrying just any prince—her groom was the man who would become King, so power was involved. As in all fairy tales, power was part of the plot. Of course, it’s not the power that’s the problem, but what a Prince does with his power.
It wasn’t hard to imagine that their children might have equally popular weddings. After all, this was the future King and his family, but we couldn’t see the dark turn their marriage would take and the effects on their children. From the palace’s point of view, Diana was just not strong enough to cope with royal life, but from the public’s point of view, Diana was too strong for her husband’s fragile ego. There’s no question today that Diana was a strong woman determined to do things her way in raising her children, which was one of the only things she had control over. Her other strength was charisma. Her gracious and loving spirit shone like the sun in the dark House of Windsor.
Despite everything that happened, her Prince cheating on her, the paparazzi chasing her, taking a lonely Taj Mahal tour, and eventually the divorce, Diana had her boys. She adored them and insisted on breaking protocol to have fun with them while she did her best to protect them from the paparazzi and the palace men in gray.
The entire world grieved when Diana died, but it grew darkest for her sons. Watching William and Harry walking behind their mother’s casket, people wondered who would make them do such a thing. Diana’s brother was furious about this. Did the palace want the publicity? Every child deserves privacy when he loses his mum.
With Diana gone, her sons were raised by the Queen and the future King—neither of which hugged them. We can’t entirely blame King Charles for lacking affection when his mother failed to hug him. How can monarchs serve ordinary people when they can’t even show affection for their own children? Raising children as national mascots while withholding the affection given to the dogs and horses is a sad way to raise a family.
We might not understand Prince Harry’s pain if Diana hadn’t shared hers. Before her death, she took the risk of telling the world about the darker aspects of royal life. She was told to smile and suck it up during some of her most miserable and lonely days. The “men in gray” controlled every aspect of royal life. The paparazzi never left her alone—even while she was with her children on vacation. All this and a husband who didn’t love her had once driven her to consider ending her life. Perhaps her courage to admit this enabled Harry to write his memoir.
Following his mother’s footsteps, Harry exposed the darker aspects of life in a gilded cage. While the paparazzi are the villains in his story, his father no longer looks like Prince Charming or even a halfway benevolent King.
Harry was considered an extra from the day he was born. As the story goes, Charles took Diana and baby Harry home after the birth and said, “I’ve done my duty—I’ve got an heir and spare,” then he took off for a polo match. To be fair, this was the way Charles was raised. Growing up, he probably viewed his brothers as spares. As the heir to the throne, he was expected to produce his own heir and spare, and now he was finished—no more need to have sex with a woman he’d acquired for that purpose.
Hierarchal relationships are often a source of social conflict, but they are incredibly toxic in a family. It always comes down to who has the power and how it is used. After losing his mother, Harry’s closest family members were the Queen and two heirs to the throne, who all viewed him as the least essential member of his family circle.
Harry was dealt a rough hand as the youngest and least respected member of his immediate family. Even their pet names for him signal disrespect. King Charles calls him “Darling boy”—even though he’s no longer a boy. And Prince William calls him “Harold,” even though that’s not his name.
Whenever you’re dealing with a person raised to be King, privilege enters into the relationship. A person doesn’t have to be a full-blown narcissist to be an unsafe person—all they need to do is lack empathy and use their power over others. If Diana were still alive, her love might be able to guide her sons into a better relationship. Queen Elizabeth and King Charles lacked that capacity because of their privilege.
When Harry was still a teenager, he discovered lies reported about him were sent to the press by the person his father and Camilla had hired to clear up their reputation. They allowed the press to report that Harry was a drug addict in rehab so Charles could get sympathy from the public to look like a struggling single parent. Charles threw his youngest son, AKA “the spare,” under the bus to gain popularity with the public because he wanted to marry Camilla. This and other lies brought years of depression and frustration for Harry because he felt hounded by the paparazzi and betrayed by his father. This is how King Charles used his power over his youngest son. Years later, when there were threats to his life and his wife Meghan’s, Harry again wanted to confront the press. He asked his father to help dispel the lies, but the future King told him to stay silent.
William seemed to have a loving relationship with his brother until their women had disagreements. One night, William visited Harry alone to tell him that Meghan was trouble. Naturally, Harry disagreed. He didn’t know what William wanted him to do since he was already married to her and he loved her. William got angry and then physically threw Harry on the floor, where he broke the dog’s water dish on his back. Harry told him to get out of his house. After a few minutes, William apologized, then told him, “Meghan doesn’t need to know about this.” Later when Harry was getting out of the shower, Meghan saw the marks and asked what had happened. The sibling relationship gets strained when adding new family members, but in this case, William, the future King of England, will always have more power than Harry.
Neither King Charles nor Prince William could understand Harry’s need to clear the air with the press because his problems weren’t theirs. They wanted him to be quiet about things that mattered to him, and they couldn’t see why he wouldn’t shut up so their lives would be easier.
Dr. Henry Cloud describes safe people as confrontable. Most of us who grew up in dysfunctional families are afraid of confrontation because we were raised with confrontational family members. Such people will give you a piece of their mind even if you don’t want it, but a confrontable person will listen to your concerns, apologize, and set things right when appropriate.
King Charles and Prince William have blind spots when it comes to seeing Harry’s point of view. As heirs to the throne, they were not taught to be confrontable; they were raised to say, “My way or the highway.”
No matter the issue, Charles and William continue to hold all the trump cards. Even his Granny, the Queen, who seemed to be fond of Harry, remained silent during a meeting where she had previously appeared to support him. The next day, he was informed that he would no longer be paid as a member of the royal family and was fired by his father. Within a month, Charles had cut off Harry’s security leaving his family vulnerable in a situation that the King himself had allowed to grow out of control.
Harry has been expected to toe the line for the royal family for his entire life. He’s complied without the privilege that his father and brother enjoy. He’s been asked to play a game he can never win. Is there any question why he would walk away from this life of emotional slavery and control?
Whether the two heirs understand why Harry left his country, we who read his stories have gained insight into what it means to be part of the royal family. And we know how ecstatically wonderful it is for Harry to be free. Diana would be proud.
Harry’s story hits to the heart of the pain that many are dealing with after being raised in a dysfunctional family. He might have been born to royalty, but that hasn’t saved him from the heartbreak of dealing with narcissistic family members.
He has shown his authentic side and many of us feel a common ground with this prince. If you haven’t read or listened to his book, you might enjoy it.
Peace and freedom,
Cherilyn
Little Red Survivor Tips is always free. It’s just my thoughts about surviving at the intersection of family, narcissistic and religious abuse, and current events.
I also wrote a book Chasing Eden, about my strange childhood.
If you’d like to discuss writing memoirs, reading them, or would like a sneak peek at my next book, To Uneat an Elephant, you can subscribe below.
Royalty is slavery. Reminds me of a Mexican song about a golden cage still being a prison.