Friends, It’s never too late to make even a little dream come true. 33 years ago, on our honeymoon, my husband and I said someday we’d plant a hydrangea by our front door.
A year ago, after we were broken up, I laughed when he brought this plant and set it in the ground by the front door of the house we are sharing. The irony was not lost on me that he will eventually move out with his partner and I will be the one to enjoy it.
And yet, another year has come and gone, and the flowers are flourishing plus it’s also my favorite color for a hydrangea. For years, we’ve left rose bushes and tulips behind wherever we moved. In this house, we’ve been blessed with the strawberries that the last renter planted. Planting it forward is my favorite metaphor for a well-lived life—plant widely and leave beauty behind you wherever you go!
Planting it forward encompasses so much more than gardening. It might include spending quality time with a child. Or building a bigger table and creating a kinder and more inclusive community. It could be as simple as sharing your home baked goods with a neighbor or helping them when they call.
With the process of planting forward, I use “The Four Agreements” as taught by Don Miguel Ruiz.
Chapters in my current work in progress often get tossed out and rearranged because I want to be impeccable with my word. I not only try to write authentically, but I believe every human being, no matter how they’ve treated me, is a child of God. The truth is always important. And perhaps some might challenge my version of the truth, so that’s why my words have to be weighed carefully. I need to make sure I mean what I write.
Then, once I’ve realized and spoken my truth, I refused to take what others say about my work personally. This goes for book reviews and family barbs. I’ve found peace in telling it like I experienced it. If someone disagrees, that’s their right, but I know my heart. First my words must match my heart, then I have to ignore anyone who tries to tell me who to be and what to do. Life is too short for that nonsense.
Along with speaking authentically and allowing others to disagree without taking it personally, comes not making assumptions. Other people will read into my stories whatever they want to see.
I once had a huge blowup on Facebook over a post about not spanking children. It was unbelievable how many people who claim to be survivors of narcissistic abuse support bullying a child with a belt because they survived it and figure others can take it too. I try to look beyond the angry words. Not every argumentative person is hateful—many are simply confused or haven’t been able to look beyond their own upbringing. Some just enjoy debating. Realizing this frees me up from trying to prove anything.
And while the last of Ruiz’s agreements seems like a cliche, we live in a world where people get careless. If I’m going to publish a book, I want it to be my best work. And that requires listening to others who read it and ask questions or make suggestions. The only way to do that is to take the time to do my best work.
These guiding principles work in writing as well as in our personal relationships. They allow me to plant it forward with confidence and unwavering in the face of opposition.
Another way, I often plant it forward is by giving my books away. Yes, I need to make a living so I am grateful for every person who buys a book or subscribes to pay me. I am not a rich writer. So far, I’m a lucky to get some gas and grocery money writer. I need to write to sustain myself, but I’m still thrilled just to share my story with anyone who will listen. So I plant it forward. I give subscriptions and books away—not always, but I like to keep that option open.
After I finished Chasing Eden, I held the book in my hands and cried. My father burned all of my grandma’s diaries and took her voice away before she was even gone. I was determined no one will do that to me.
I’ll never forget my favorite text of all time!
That affirmation was from my ex. He’s still gay and still my ex, but he’s also one of my best friends. How can this happen? Because of freedom.
Yes, his freedom cost me our marriage, but who would want any friend they love to be trapped in a world where they could not fully be themself? I wouldn’t wish that for me, and I don’t want that for him. Or any human being! So I will continue to plant it forward by writing about our intimate lives in my third memoir because I hope people can stop getting married because they’re scared of God.
Freedom—that’s why it’s taking me so long to write these memoirs. There are messy chapters and heartbreak involved—sometimes with past partners and almost always with family. Some weeks takes a lot of sorting to get to the heart of the matter, but guided by The Four Agreements, we can plant it forward—we can make the world a little bit safer and hopefully a whole lot kinder!
If you are one of my subscribers, hang on, I’m getting ready to launch a few more chapters—hopefully by the end of this weekend.
Until then, what are you planting?
Peace and freedom,
Cherilyn
Little Red Survivor Tips is always free. It’s just my thoughts about surviving at the intersection of family, narcissistic and religious abuse, and current events.
I also wrote a book Chasing Eden, about my strange childhood.
If you’d like to discuss writing memoirs, reading them, or would like a sneak peek at my next book, To Uneat an Elephant, you can subscribe above.
Such beautiful insight, so beautifully expressed, Cheri!
I love this!