Photo by Ansgar Scheffold on Unsplash
WARNING: MAJOR SPOILER ALERT
For all the donkey fans—I watched the Banshies of Inisherin, so you don’t have to.
Banshee
Noun (Irish folklore)
a female spirit who wails to warn of impending death
I’ve learned that just because a movie is nominated for many awards doesn’t mean I will enjoy it. There’s nothing like being held hostage to a director’s creativity in a theater. I’m glad I watched this movie at home so I could dissociate by going to the kitchen to get a brownie when things got gory.
This story is about a man on the Island of Inisherin who can’t understand why a man he thought was his friend has stopped speaking to him. He tries to find out why, but each attempt only angers the so-called friend, who tells others that he finds the first man dull.
The first man becomes obsessed with restoring the relationship. He cares for the other man, so he tries various ways of connecting with him, but each time the other man grows angrier and more hateful toward him.
At one point, when the first man is beaten up by a third man, the ex-friend picks him up and carries him to his wagon, then drives him part way home. The first man looks at his one-time friend and cries as he looks at him, feeling that his friend must somehow still care about him. But the cruel ex-friend then gets out of the wagon and leaves him to drive himself home alone.
The first man has one thing dearest to him than anything else—his sweet little donkey. He even allows the donkey in the house, much to his sister’s disgust. He and his sister have been living in the home since their parents died years before.
One day when the man tries to reconcile, his ex-friend threatens to cut his finger off if he doesn’t leave him alone. This seems ludicrous because the ex-friend plays the violin and is composing a song.
A few days later, after speaking to his ex-friend yet again, there’s a knock at his door, and he finds a bloody, chopped-off finger.
His sister is appalled and disgusted, so she takes the man’s finger back to him with a piece of her mind. He warns her that he will chop off more of his fingers if her brother won’t leave him alone.
Despite the message, the first man can’t believe this would happen because his friend loves to play his violin.
Then he sees his ex-friend still playing the violin at the pub with a missing finger. Feeling sorry for him, he decides to pay him another visit.
Later that day, he finds chopped fingers leading around the side of his house, where he finds his beloved donkey has choked on one of the man’s fingers and died.
Heartbroken, the compassion he had for his ex-friend turns to bitterness at the loss of his beloved pet.
He goes to the pub to confront his ex-friend, who can no longer play the violin but is surrounded by friends playing his song.
When he says his donkey choked on the other man’s finger, the ex-friend seems genuinely sorry about the donkey. But by now, the man is angry and tells him to make sure he leaves his dog outside because he’s planning to burn down his house at 2:00 the next day, and he won’t check to make sure he’s not inside.
And true to his word, he finds the dog outside, then burns down the man’s house with him inside. He leaves with the dog.
Of course, the mean guy escapes the fire, but his house is gone. His fingers are gone. The donkey is gone. And even the sister is gone—she left them to their fighting and got a job on the mainland.
The movie ends with both men standing on the beach, staring over the inlet to the mainland where the sister now lives. The one question left to be answered is—will their friendship be completely gone? I honestly hope so—with friends like this, no one needs enemies.
This story is meant to speak about the Irish Civil War—to show how there is a dysfunctional and codependent relationship between the warring parties. Not being from Ireland, I’ll take the writer’s word for it.
As a survivor, I see parallels in this movie for victims of narcissistic abuse. What happens in this story is the dividing line between being a victim of narcissistic abuse and becoming a survivor.
This movie also hits the heart of people who’ve been ghosted. I’ve been ghosted too. Most recently, by a person I thought was a friend for ten years. I was hurt, shocked, and surprised when she ghosted me. I told her through a mutual friend that I was sorry this happened and was willing to listen to her concerns, but she’d rather ghost me, so there’s nothing more to do except accept her choice. And to be honest, some people are not worth our time if they can’t be honest and deal with their own junk,
Like the man in this movie, many victims try to figure out why they’ve been ghosted, mistreated, or rejected. It breaks our hearts repeatedly to reach out to a narc parent or ex-partner who basically ignores us. Victims sob into their pillows at night and get up to try a new strategy in the morning, only to be foiled again.
Like the man in this movie, some victims, even while they are being threatened and rejected, imagine they can turn it around or save their abusers if they can just be a friend or act like Jesus, and so they go back for more abuse.
All that results from such codependency is more pain and bloodshed. There is no way any of us can change another person. It doesn’t matter if we were once friends, we can’t fix someone else’s stony, cold heart. We will only hurt ourselves and possibly others. The poor donkey in this film represents all the innocents and children who get hurt because someone keeps trying to fix an abusive relationship.
We each have a choice to walk away from abusive people. It doesn’t matter how much we used to be friends. It doesn’t matter how much we think we love them or care. It doesn’t matter if we think this is our Christian duty—Jesus warned his followers to shake the dust off their feet and leave when someone doesn’t want us around.
Maya Angelou said it well:
“When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.”
Peace and freedom,
Cherilyn
Little Red Survivor Tips is always free. It’s just my thoughts about surviving at the intersection of family, narcissistic and religious abuse, and current events.
I also wrote a book Chasing Eden, about my strange childhood.
If you’d like to discuss writing memoirs, reading them, or would like a sneak peek at my next book, To Uneat an Elephant, you can subscribe below.
The Banshees of Narcissism
Yes. We are not obligated to maintain relationships with people who are toxic to us.
Poor donkey! God help all the victims of good intentions and glorious hearts!
Love this! Thanks for the reminder especially when dealing with long time friendships.
As you mentioned, this can be a very difficult and painful experience and I appreciate you sharing your experience dealing with a friend recently. Hugs to you and know that you are doing good work!