Oatmeal, Irises and Cacti
Thriving through fellowship with kindred spirits
Photo by Melissa Belanger on Unsplash
It was a small thing—him asking if I wanted oatmeal for breakfast, but it endeared me to him. Later he mentioned that he didn’t hear my knock, so he ate my share of the oatmeal—which was funny because we both knew I’d never make it since I live in another state.
Elton is my mother’s first cousin—which makes him my first cousin once removed. We haven’t seen each other since I was a baby. I’ve heard his name a few times mentioned among my mother’s relatives, but I never thought of him as my cousin too—until I took a DNA test and connected with his sister and his daughter at ancestry.com.
Elton is an expert on growing cacti. He’s written articles about watering and growing these spiny plants. Some call him the cactus king. I know zilch about growing a cactus, but through his emails, I’ve discovered cacti have more than prickly spines—they also have elegant blooms.
Echinopsis gossamer ISI 99-10 15.3 cm dia fl tube 15 cm long, photo by Elton
I connected with Elton’s sister Lucy first. A master gardener in her own right, she nurtures bed upon bed of irises along with many other flowers, bushes, and trees. Georgia O’Keefe would find her gardens exhilarating. Lucy has planted over a hundred trees on her land. She’s also climbed all of Colorado’s highest mountain peaks.
Lucy celebrating a victory climb—isn’t she adorable?
This brother and sister are an inspirational delight in far too many ways to name here, but finding them in my family tree was like discovering relationship gold.
While Elton offered me a bowl of yummy oatmeal, Lucy says she wishes we could enjoy a meal together and share her family picture album. For now, she sent me money to enjoy my favorite Thai restaurant. These symbolic gestures to share a meal have touched my heart deeply.
As an Enneagram 2, I love people and desire to create beautiful food and table setting to enjoy with my beloveds. There is no one I’ve tried to do this for more than my immediate family. I’ve spent a lifetime planning family meals. I’ve spared no expense and nearly gone broke to create meals and settings for birthdays and holiday celebrations. If you’ve been reading the Little Red Memoir Edition, you’re probably catching on that sharing a meal with my immediate family has not been easy.
Quality time is my love language. I’m blown away by my delightful cousins and their pictures of gorgeous blooms and tales from the family tree. It’s like a nurturing meal for my soul to talk with them. I can’t believe I’ve never met them, and I wish they’d been a part of my life all along. We’ve shared family stories—especially stories about our great-grandparents.
We didn’t have oatmeal while I was growing up. My mom didn’t like it. She said it was like eating wet newspapers. I had to wait until I was grown up and married for my husband to teach me the comfort of a bowl of hot oatmeal made from rolled oats and sprinkled with brown sugar and cinnamon on a cold winter morning.
Choosing to enjoy oatmeal is just one example of how I’ve learned to nourish myself. And choosing what to keep from my parents’ traditions has been essential spiritually as well as physically. I can’t feed on the same books that my parents read. Some of their so-called spiritual food gives me heartburn. These dear cousins who have departed the family traditions to seek their own spiritual food seem healthier than many of the relatives I’ve known.
As I pondered my cousins’ offers to share both physical and spiritual food, I thought about Jesus eating with people. Sure, he ate with sinners and prostitutes, and that’s cool, but he ate with everyone who was willing. Jesus invited himself to Zacchaeus's house, turned water into wine at a wedding, and on more than one occasion, fed thousands of people with basically nothing. He had a special dinner with his closest friends the night before he was murdered. And after he rose again, he even made a fish breakfast for them.
Sometimes people talk about Jesus sharing meals like it was simply a spiritual remodeling project—as if the only reason he sat down with Mary was to fix her. God is a God of relationships, and I think he simply delights in spending time with each of us—the way I treasure my new cousins.
I’m touched that my newly discovered cousins want to share meals, but I find it even more astounding that Jesus likes to spend time with me. I’ve always liked the idea of Jesus standing at the door, knocking and eager to share a meal. I’m glad he doesn’t kick the door in—I couldn’t handle a God who forced me. His invitation is simply to share a meal. And no matter who we are—whether a lost cousin or an unlikely friend, the offer stands.
One of my favorite Jesus stories is the walk to Emmaus, where Jesus came inside to bless the food so his new friends could recognize the stranger they’d been walking with. This is a sign of two things—it’s not about the food—it’s the company. Their hearts were burning within them in his presence before they even took a bite. Remember when Jesus spent time at Mary and Martha’s place, he made it clear the food was secondary.
The second thing Emmaus shows me is that Jesus changes everything. Once I recognized him—I can’t go back because his presence has been life-altering. Mary knew this. John knew it. Even the woman who touched the hem of his garment knew it. She said even the dogs get scraps under the table, and Jesus, who created dogs, agreed.
Another thing about Jesus is that he’s not in a hurry—he never flicks the lights off and on to make us leave the fellowship hall. He came to spend time with us—something that many of us wish our spouse, parents, or children would do. Jesus likes to share long thoughtful conversations with us, but he doesn’t demand that we get up at five am sharp to open the door and pray—he simply asks us to share our lives.
Lucy’s sweet-faced little dog
Animals remind us that God created us for more than tasks and meals—but for relationships. Lucy’s phone calls and Elton’s emails—their offers to share a meal have healed my heart. Even if Elton hadn’t offered oatmeal with my favorite cinnamon and brown sugar—I’d have eaten it anyway. Heck, I’d even eat wet newspapers with these cousins because our hearts burn within us as we share our stories, and the fellowship is that sweet.
If you want to see just how many cacti my cousin Elton has, watch this video.
Little Red Survivor Tips is always free. It’s just my thoughts about surviving at the intersection of family, narcissistic and religious abuse, and current events.
I also wrote a book Chasing Eden, about my strange childhood.
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I love this so much! And you! Quality time is one of my needs and love languages also. You so beautifully shared. Love your cousins. Love Most of all how Jesus loves and shares quality time.
I love this so much. Your cousin atop the mountain looks just like you!! The blond version!!