Photo by Soragrit Wongsa
The other day someone asked what’s the difference between a memoir and an autobiography. It’s good question.
The difference between memoir and autobiography, as far as I see it, is that a memoir is there primarily to tell one particular story, whereas an autobiography tries to be a full account of a life. -Salman Rushdie
An autobiography or biography is the chronological story of someone’s life. It usually starts with where they were born and might also describe the circumstances of their birth. It will tell of the stages in their life and the pursuits they either failed or succeeded at. It will tell of their romances and family and friends and travels.
For the most part a biography tries to sum up a person’s existence. A self-biography will follow that path lining up the dates with events. A biography is usually written toward the end of a life—otherwise revisions will need to follow.
I’ve often joked that I’m writing my own unauthorized biography. But the truth is I am not writing an autobiography—I’m writing a memoir.
A memoir doesn’t have to follow all the rules of a biography. It can be written in chronological order or out of order. It can even be adjusted with some facts left out to make it easier to read.
Actually part of the work of writing a memoir is determining what to leave out and when to put something in to make a more artful presentation. Think of a memoir like a photo album full of snapshots. We plan our photo albums selectively. Some pictures are just too blurry or not pretty enough to add so we set them aside. We still have that picture in our mind, but it’s not necessary to the design of the memoir so many photos will be set aside.
In the same way, we take out stories or add them in artful ways as we focus on the overall picture we wish to portray. Detractors might say we are manipulating the facts, but that is not desirable if you want to be credible. At the same time, a memoirist strives to tell a story, she focuses on more than just the facts—she wants to dig deeper than the facts.
I deal very little in facts, facts can obscure the truth, you can tell so many facts you never get to the truth, you can tell the places where, the people who, the times when, the reasons why, and never get to the human truth which is love and pain and loss and triumph.
-Maya Angelou.
Even though a memoir is not tied to a specific timeline, it still needs to be honest and authentic. For instance you can’t write about being an astronaut unless you actually were one. You can change your sister’s name, but you can’t make up lies about her, because then you will betray yourself because memoir is about getting to the heart of your emotions. You can’t manufacture emotions about a story you just made up and still be authentic. You will know that you lied and it will eventually be your demise.
I will say, with memoir, you must be honest. You must be truthful. -Elie Wiesel
In one of my cousin’s words—“you can’t make that shit up.” And I could never have dreamed up all the crazy events and the darkness I had to grow through to find the light.
Memoir is about heart truth. And to do that we might need to take a lot of authentic thought selfies. This means deep introspection of our own motives. These selfies are not always pretty and they must be carefully curated into book form.
Does this sound hard? I actually think it’s easier than we think—as long as we’re willing to be honest with ourselves. The key to writing memoir is to find the theme to the story you wish to highlight. Then follow the story and when something pops up that doesn’t seem like it belongs, take it out.
I took something out of my memoir chapter just this morning. I ended a chapter with Raleigh’s Grandmonster kissing him on the lips. It might be a good snap shot if I was writing the entire memoir about how he and I survived this narcissistic grandmother, but that’s not the theme I started with and it could take my story down a rabbit hole.
This memoir is about me learning to live in the real world and cast off all the fanaticism and fears fed to me by my parents. Raleigh’s Grandmonster was mere blip on that horizon. So I went back to the real story to find the heart of my struggles with my parents. And that might include some rewriting.
Not all memoirs have sad or painful elements. I could write a memoir about visiting the national parks—I’ve been to many of them, but that’s not a story my heart is crying to tell. I love people. My family has been more important to me than anything or anyone else—except for Raleigh who became my best family and even though we are now divorced, he is still my best family.
The painful, beautiful truth about my life and romance with Raleigh is that our respect for each other and our self-sacrificing love toward each other has gone beyond traditional expectations. I believe such stories needs to be told so religious people will stop scaring gay kids into marrying someone of the opposite sex. That will be my third memoir which is halfway written.
Meanwhile, my first memoir was about my physical freedom, my second memoir is about my mental freedom, and my third will be about my spiritual freedom.
Why so many memoirs? Because I can’t tell everything in one book or two. The truth is we each could probably write several memoirs. Think about your life. Are you a mother? You could write a memoir about what it was like to be a mother. Or you could write a memoir about your career and the fight for equality.
Julie Powell wrote a memoir called “Julie and Julia: My Years of Cooking Dangerously.” It was about her experiences following the recipes of Julia Child. This memoir did not incorporate and explain Julie Powell’s entire existence. We just got snapshots about her adventures in cooking.
I’ve found healing by writing my memoirs. I’m grateful for my friends who have encouraged me to continue writing. I won’t lie and say it’s not painful or messy at times, but for me, it’s been cathartic to share my heart stories.
Whether you are thinking of writing a memoir or just enjoy reading them, I hope you can write or read as many memoirs as possible.
Have a great week!
Cherilyn
PS here is a picture of me with one of my favorite cousins, Lanetta. It was taken while I was dating Raleigh. Was this cousin a bright spot in my life? For sure! Do I love my cousin? Oh yes! But telling about an encounter with her in the book would just be a rabbit trail away from the story my heart needs to tell about my struggles with my father and my immediate family.
Difficult or exhilarating, editing itself is cathartic. Even major edits. Maybe even *especially* major edits.
It's good to get things written and "out there"--even prematurely. Maybe we have to pull it back in and work it over some more, but the time factor just improves clarity.
Good going, Cheri!
I'm looking forward to that next chapter...which I'm going now to find!
Awesome explanation Cheri, and what a gorgeous photo of you and your cousin!